I never wanted to need anything.

Blogging always felt like an in front of the computer kind of thing, but I can literally write from anywhere. (This post started from my phone!) I think I make things too official, like they’re the most important thing in the world. Although, if we flip it, we could also say I take a lot of care with things. Or I value the things I produce. I want to make sure the proper care is taken with my work.

I think that’s coming straight from the part of me that never felt cared for. I worked so hard to never need anything. I learned to ignore my own needs. It was how I survived. It was easier to pretend that those needs didn’t exist rather than acknowledge that they went unmet, not that tiny little baby me was aware of it. All she knew was that she had to hold it down.

AND SHE DID. SHE DID THAT. THAT LITTLE FUCKING ROCK STAR. WE LOVE HER. She is an absolute treasure who deserves everything in the world that she wants plus the stuff she hasn’t even thought of yet. Now if I can just bridge the gap and remember that I am her and I am also deserving and worthy of good things, I think we can get my abundance free flowing.

It’s not that I don’t believe it, at least I don’t think that’s the case. I was just born into a society that profits off scarcity and self-hatred. It disempowers women and discourages individuality. It’s run by uncreative, incompetent men who have painted themselves into a shameful, homoerotic corner and can feel nothing unless they are exerting their fragile power over the disenfranchised. Old ass toddler tantrum having cucks. YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU. (Just kidding, men can’t read.)

Anyway, we are (and have been) done ignoring our needs and desires. I allow myself to have everything I ever wanted and I consent to receiving it. I am creative, smart, good-hearted, and powerful, and even if I were none of those things, I would still deserve the world.

Now if I could only get out of my own way…